Jeff Shea’s Love Journal
Letters 1 to 13
“Our doubts are traitors and make us oft lose the good we might win, by fearing to attempt.” – Shakespeare
The Shape of the Universe of Love
A Woman’s Basic Motivations
Chemistry Between a Man and a Woman
The Initial Encounter
Building on the Initial Contact
The Timing of Your Overture
Use of the Words I Love You
Distance (Practical Difficulty #1)
Overcoming a Woman’s Commitment to Another Man
To be continued….
I have endeavored for the last year and half (and still continue) to react spontaneously to the feelings that women give me. I have known for years that many of my natural urges for women are suppressed. Why? For a variety of reasons, including natural apprehension, learned fear, experience of rejection, social rules, peer pressure, lack of confidence, lack of skill, belief (often incorrect) that an attempt would only end up in failure. I reasoned with myself that the place to start a methodical journey to become adept at meeting women would best be started by seeing what sheer enthusiasm would yield. This meant that every time I saw a woman that really excited my senses, that set up a yearning of a special order, I would make an attempt to meet her, no matter how difficult the barriers, no matter how improbable my chances of success appeared. I decided to record my efforts, and to begin with 100 attempts to meet women under the circumstances described above (that they touched me in some way). I called this effort “One Hundred Women Direct.”
The word “direct” represented the core of the project. I wanted intuitively to “get back to my roots,” to learn to get in touch with my natural impulses, to see what would happen if I connected the attraction I felt with responsiveness, come what may, to overcome all the barriers that separated me from my natural heritage, that is, to love women as my urges dictated. Embedded in this idea was the philosophical and historical tenet that in the dawn of mankind, when we were more animal-like, before there was a structured society, the chase of a woman was literally a chase. Man took what he wanted and fought for it. This chase is carried out today, but in an allegorical sense, with man normally being “the aggressor.” Directness meant not so much to be direct outwardly, but to have my feelings out there, right in front, to look at them, become attuned to them, and to see what happened when I let them be outwardly known to the object of my desire.
I reasoned that later, once I had established a benchmark of what might happen should I tell a desired woman of my desire, I could later make a sequel to this project in which I would try to improve on my success rate. After “One Hundred,” I could take a step back and analyze what happened. I could see where efforts were worthy, where they were wasted, why I failed if I did, why I succeeded if I did. I could examine what commonalities there were in my successes, or for that matter, if there were things common to my failure. There would also be the reflection of whether the experience was worth it or not. How had it changed my life? Was it enriching or was it merely empty? In what ways would this project pave the way to future visions of future projects? In what ways would I see things differently?
I challenged my preconceived ideas with regards to ‘what will work’ or ‘what won’t work’. In essence, I attempted to learn how wrong I was in my assumptions so that I could replace those assumptions with a more experienced, hence more accurate, viewpoint. Obviously, one of the inevitable and positive outcomes of an experiment such as this is the overcoming of fear to approach. This in itself is very “free-ing.” As “expanding personal freedom” is probably the core theme of my life, I consider this a good thing. Secondly, of course, the more one tries, the more one is likely to succeed. This is true in two aspects. First, simply because of the law of averages, and secondly because one learns to hone one’s skills through practice, so this is working to advantage as the study progresses.
The more experience I have with women, the more natural it seems that they should love me. Now, it seems more a matter of resources, time, circumstances and availability, as to whether I love more women or less. I no longer view finding a new lover as ‘a stroke of luck’.
Indeed, the ramifications of this simple project were great. As I have progressed, I have had many interesting experiences and drawn some significant conclusions.
The Shape of the Universe of Love
Mathematicians formalize numbers into what is basically a universe, evenly divided into categories of possibility and impossibility. You can envision the realm of love as being comprised of:
Those pairs of people for whom there is no special chemistry, and
Those pairs of people for whom there is special chemistry:
Those that do not get together, and
Those that do get together:
Those who do not have children, and
Those that do have children. Having children is the reason, in its most fundamental physical form, behind our drive to couple with someone
in the first place.
This model helps us to see more clearly the sexual/romantic universe we live in.
There are two implications of importance in this model for the aspiring lover. One is that one needs to be able to tell the difference between “good chemistry” and “no chemistry.” The second implication is that once one is adept at discerning this intangible item called “chemistry,” one must be able to overcome the practical difficulties that might prevent love from happening.
Most people generally enjoy sexual relations. Most women want to have sex with a man that appeals to them. But, from a woman’s standpoint, how many times do you think a woman with a healthy appetite for men sees a man that she wants but does not end up having? My point is that there are undoubtedly far more women who would want to sleep with you than you could imagine! In everyday reality, there is a lot of potential that goes unrealized. Many women have considered sleeping with you, but you never found out about it.
I see the “perfect world” like this: every woman whom I am attracted to would be attracted to me sufficiently to let me make love with her. Suppose that women were sufficiently attracted to me and yet did not sleep with me. I would then want to understand the reasons why they did not.
I use the example of the perfect world, because it points out that a lot of women would also like “the perfect world” too! And since this is so, we must become experts at understanding what could prevent women from acting out their desires. Here are some general categories as to what prevents women from acting on my advances:
Because of distance
Because of timing
Because of fear
Because of pride
Because of social pressure
Because of marriage or previous commitment.
In reality, there are an unlimited number of difficulties that can arise to block a woman from falling in love with you. Although we cannot know all of them in advance, we can devise principals that can help us realize the path through them. If we start with the notion that they are all manageable, we can begin with a fresh approach, and therefore maximize stimulation of our imagination towards solutions. We must focus on what is going wrong and deal with it.
One of the main keys in understanding is communication. By delving into a woman’s point of view, we can begin to see what constraints she is operating under. Talking is an art, and it must be developed and used.
Any obstacle is surmountable.
In summary, there are two basic issues that we must concern ourselves with when it comes to fulfilling our desires to love a woman:
Becoming attuned to “chemistry,” and
Learning to understand the practical challenges a woman faces when you make your advances, and learning to overcome them.
A Woman’s Most Basic Motivation
The theories contained in this work are derived either from logic or experience. Some fundamental examination of the facts of a woman’s existence can illuminate our path. Realizing obvious realities can provide a simple and effective tool that can be utilized over and over to answer questions about what your next move can be. In this light, isn’t it of prime importance to understand what a woman is motivated by?
A woman’s motivations are identical to your own. However, their behavior appears so different from your own. This is because they have such a different physical make-up and a different role to play. Generally, women are motivated, as we are, in this order, by:
A woman acts out her survival instinct in myriad ways. Some women align themselves with a man who has money or power, as a shelter for her and her children. (Other women, themselves the breadwinners, may have men who look to them for shelter.) Even if a woman does not have children, her instincts will guide her to find “security.”
A woman acts out the procreative instinct in many ways as well. Examples of this could include:
Seeking a man with good physical qualities. She may see something in a man that other women do not. Perhaps this relates to her instincts as to what would make a good mixing of genes.
Seeking a man with other good qualities. This could be a good mind, or a kind heart.
To the extent that you can appear to be a good candidate for providing a woman with aid in survival, being a good bearer of genes, or merely for being a good companion, you will be able to attract women more easily.
Chemistry Between a Man and a Woman
In a nutshell, the concept of learning to discern what is “chemistry” and “what is not” means that one has to practice! This is a pleasure once you overcome the initial fear of trying something new. Most men have experience in meeting women, but how many men actually try to meet every woman that attracts them?! The point of this is interesting and simple. The more you act on your feelings, several changes take place.
You learn more about what you are feeling at any given moment.
You become more aware of opportunity, and you are more motivated, since you actually have a better chance of overcoming the practical difficulties.
You begin to feel more of a “command” of your place in the world, since you have a better idea how your desires fit in with reality.
You become more sensitive to a woman’s reactions.
As time goes on, the sensitivity to “chemistry” increases. As well, one begins to realize that there are far more opportunities around than you previously thought.
The Initial Encounter
—Casanova said, Wait for a sign. When he became interested in a woman, he would wait until she gave him a sign of her interest.
The first encounter is perhaps the most difficult obstacle to overcome. The reason is simple. There are many instances when the sight of a woman may touch you, but the moment may be fleeting and thus require immediate action and on-the-spot boldness and creativity. This is difficult for many reasons.
One is that it is sort of like a shock to one’s system. An analogy could be the example of how people find it difficult to immediately switch to a second language that they are not fluent in and have not practiced for some time. After a few days, they may get their mind ‘back into it’ and they may be able to converse quite readily. So it is with meeting women. It may be days, weeks or even longer between seeing women that merit an attempt at a meeting. Suddenly, she may be driving away or walking by, and you have to think of a way to approach her. Also, this may require boldness! By the time your courage is up, she may be gone.
So it appears important, logically, to maintain your skills at all times. This can be accomplished through constant practice. I suppose it is also possible to develop certain techniques for certain situations and become adept at them until it is second nature.
The dynamics of the difficulty of prompt timing in meeting women points out why most people meet in a slower manner: simply because it is easier. The more people have an opportunity to get together, the higher the probability that they will. For example, if they are work mates, schoolmates, one knows the other through friends, social occasions and so on. This is how most people meet, i.e., in easy situations, but it does not have to be that way for you.
The main point to stress here is that it is possible to overcome this difficulty by remembering a single concept: Use future time to your advantage, like a lever by which you can move a heavy object with relative ease. In the initial contact, all you need to do is to arrange a way to contact her in the future. Later, the reasons why you met, or the pretenses under which you met, will be for the most part forgotten. Time has an amazing effect.
As long as you can get her phone number or address, you have gained a tremendous advantage relative to where you were before you got the information. I cannot stress this enough. One reason is that it gives you plenty of time to think and make arrangements for future contact. It gives you time and a way to get to know about her, and this will help in developing a rapport with her. Another very important concept, which deserves a separate section, is that her attachments today may be gone tomorrow, and you can be there at the future time when the time is right, as opposed to now, when she may not be willing to break a current commitment to someone else.
It is imperative on the first encounter that you establish a means of future connection. In this context, it doesn’t matter so much how strong that connection is at first. The “thinnest thread” of a connection may prove to be enough. How you build on it from there will determine your success.
Meeting a woman often involves near-instant decision-making. You may not have the time to strike up a conversation. At first, the initial contact may seem strained, because everyone has a certain degree of shyness. It may be embarrassing, for example, if she is with her friends. It would be wrong to expect a strong response from her, or any indication that she would like to be your lover. It is very effective to keep it simple and friendly, not heavy. As mentioned earlier, the thing to focus on is merely securing a means to contact her at a later date. The most secure way might be to get her phone number and/or address. Once you have achieved this, you can take some time to build on the first encounter. You can allow her to set the pace to some extent.
I found it more effective to be honest about your feelings. I like to tell a woman up front that I am interested in her. At the least, this is perhaps more efficient than wondering. I believe that a woman will see you as only a friend if that it the way you present yourself, whereas, if you want her to see you as a sexual object, it is better to put that idea into her mind from the beginning. Otherwise she might become bored!
When faced with a question of whether of not to express my feelings, I am strongly biased in the direction of expressing them openly. This means that I will tell a woman I love her a thousand times in a day if I feel compelled to do so. It means I will make love with her as many times as I feel desirous, or, for example, strip naked in front of a woman I want if I want her to see my body, to reach out and touch her if I feel tenderly towards her. I don’t always follow this, but as a general rule I am strongly biased in this direction. Why? There are several logical reasons in favor of being expressive. Perhaps the most important reason is that being honest with how you feel makes the interactions real, and I think this is the basis for real living and loving. Think about it.
If you hide how you feel, or even fail to express how you feel, it is likely that you will be misunderstood. In the absence of information, people tend to subconsciously fill in the missing information with their own theories. If you let them know strongly how you feel, it minimizes the chances of being misunderstood.
Every good salesman understands that it is very hard for people to listen attentively or to get the message across the first time out. In this way, if you tell a woman you love her once, she might think you are a) insincere, b) joking, c) half-hearted about it, d) maybe she did not even hear you, e) maybe she didn’t understand why. If you tell her many times, it rules out error in communication.
She receives offers from many men, and many are half-hearted. If you express openly how you feel, it will immediately make you seem different, for many men do not express themselves (or even feel) strongly.
The reward at the end is greater. If your honest feelings are responded to by the woman of your desire, the real you will be involved and loved, not her version of you or your version of you—the real you. This is the greatest reward.
It is more fun to be open than to be closed. If you are open,
You will find out sooner if she is not interested.
You will develop your ability to be expressive. Sometimes the desire to be expressive does not guarantee you can communicate well. By practicing letting out your feelings, you will get better at getting your message across. You will be a more effective communicator.
You will be able to be able to be more engaging than you previously were. That means you will be able to keep a conversation going with greater ease. This is a very important skill. Sometimes this is achievable simply by “reading” the situation and then doing something or saying something to add some excitement to it.
In summary, it is good advice to Be Yourself.
Building on the Initial Encounter
After setting up a way to talk again, what you do from there depends on the nature of the situation. It is amazing how time will create a feeling, however much it might be sort of an illusion, that you ‘know each other’. She may at first act in a ‘guarded’ way towards you, even if she basically likes you. By merely keeping contact and being friendly, even if it is just a postcard, you tend to ‘establish yourself’ with her.
Part of the amazing quality of time is that she will tend to become relaxed about any feelings of discomfort that the initial encounter may have caused. You begin as an ‘outsider’, but by securing her phone number or address and slowly building the relationship, you begin to, almost unwittingly, become an ‘insider.’
There is a lot of merit in allowing a woman to take her time in deciding she wants you. For one thing, in a way, women control, or at least partially control, a relationship, particularly the initial acceptance period. If you try to force it, it will do no good. So it is important to be sensitive to her reactions. Allowing time to work its wonders is like a getting a magic gift at no cost to you. Trust is built on continual good will.
The Timing of Your Overture
What do I mean by the word “overture?” I refer to the time when you tell her, or in some way let her know, that you want her to be your lover. This may already be understood on a deeper level. After all, why did you try to meet her in the first place? It is obvious. But, the ‘deeper level’ is not enough. Sooner or later, someone must make an outward move. It might be done through words, or perhaps through a touch or an embrace. This is like the second step in breaking the ice. (The first is the initial encounter.) The appropriate time to do this varies widely. I suppose the most skilled would behave in such a way as to have the woman being the one to make the overture. Although it is implied that you like her, there are two basic problems with waiting too long to show her outwardly:
She might get the wrong impression.
The bottom line is that you want her to have the right impression. If you are merely friendly and never make a move, she might consider you just a friend. I believe that a woman usually develops an opinion about a man-friend very early on. She may a) realize she wants you, even if secretly, b) be unsure, but recognize that she has sexual feelings for you, or c) view you non-sexually, as a friend. The problem with being only platonic (if your real intention is more than platonic) is that she may relate to you only in a platonic way. If you never give an indication that you want her as a lover, she may ultimately be ‘surprised’ or ‘shocked’ if you point out to her that you want her sexually. It may even be construed as dishonesty, since you did not disclose what you were really after.
She might get bored.
I think that this occurs in the case that she reads you clearly and knows what you want, but watches you pretending otherwise. There would be two cases of this:
One would be where she wants you too. In this case, she might be kind of upset if you only act platonicly.
The other case would be where she may not be particularly interested in you to begin with. Then your delay might be viewed as irritating and a loss of respect will result.
Given these choices, I prefer to opt to disclose my feelings, as a logical way to behave. The merits of letting her know what you want up front are as follows:
She immediately is under no misconception that you are just a platonic friend.
If she wants you anyway, the relationship can carry on more quickly,
If she is not sure how she feels, it increases her chance to find you exciting, since she feels she is attractive to you, and her mind will be oriented to think about you in that way,
If she does not find you appealing, she can let you know right away and then you can decide if it is worth being just a platonic friend to her or whether you want to pursue the relationship for other reasons.
On the other hand, if she doesn’t find you appealing, if carried out with the right panache, your interest in itself is flattering, and she can only help but like you more because of it. Maybe she will introduce you to a friend.
Flattery in this form is an aphrodisiac in and of itself.
She may respect you for your candor
She may have time to think about you and she may change her mind.
In summary, I usually opt (but not always), in some way to let her know that I want her fairly early on in the liaison. Sometimes, this may be telling her within the first few minutes (in a cheerful manner appropriate to the situation): I love you. Sometimes, it may just be continual attention in a platonic way (i.e., in a way that she knows that despite my lack of outward advances, I am interested in her). Saying something like: ‘you are beautiful’ is enough to get the momentum moving in the right direction.
Use of the words “I Love You”
These are very powerful words all over the world. Nearly every culture has something like this. The words “I love you,” I think, deserve discussion. First of all, there is a really great difference between using these words and not using them. It is like smiling or not smiling. It does not cost much effort, and it can have a wonderful effect on a relationship. But, like a smile, it is dour when it is insincere.
When is it appropriate to say these words? For some, never. For some it is so deep, it can never be uttered.
For others it is something to only say to one person in their whole life.
For most, it is something you say to someone you marry or to a steady boyfriend or girlfriend.
When great distances lie between my home and the desired woman, I never assume that I will not go to her home or she will not come to mine eventually. Distance can be your best friend. The main thing is that you pay periodic attention to the woman, either by telephone, letter, or by occasional visits. I have found, over time, that I have been amazed how much strain love will tolerate!! I cannot underscore this enough. I think that the common conception is that you must be with someone often or you will lose their affection. I think this is completely wrong. My experience has shown that a woman will tolerate your absence for a long time, provided that you reassure her periodically that you love her.
If you think about it, come back to the discussion on a woman’s motivation. If she perceives that you can fulfill one of her basic needs (survival, procreation or companionship), then there is no reason for her to abandon you in her thoughts. I have experience on both levels. There are some women whom I feel hang on because they perceive me as a potential instrument for furthering their lot. On the other hand, there are other women whom I feel stay interested primarily because they have the idea to eventually have a family with me. (These motivations frequently overlap.)
The main point of this discussion is not to allow distance to interfere with your quest: view distance as an advantage (rather than as a disadvantage). The important factor in keeping her attention is to make her feel that you can provide her satisfaction on her most basic motivational levels.
Overcoming a Woman’s Commitment to Another Man
I think for many, it may seem terribly burdensome, tedious and pointless to talk about waiting years for a woman. It all depends on your perspective. If you are in need of a woman tonight, it is a pointless discussion. But if you are really looking at the big picture, that is, to love many women in your life, then it is just a logical conclusion that one need not waste an opportunity for the future.
The fact is that if you took a cross-section of the women you will find worthy of your effort, more than half of them will have a previous commitment to another person at the time you approach them. For some, a previous commitment won’t stop them from a liaison with you. (This is subject for your conscience and at your own risk.) Some will lie about that if they are interested enough in you. Some will tell you truthfully that they already are seeing someone.
The other operative fact is this: of the commitments that people have at any given time, most of them are broken at some point, and many will be broken within the coming year.
If you are accepting of the current situation and can manage to maintain a friendship with her, then it is possible that you will someday have an opportunity, perhaps a day sooner than you think!
My experience is that the main thing is that you must have a way to reach her at a later date. Once you establish that, just contact her periodically, and let time work its wonders.
I found that it is more effective to avoid being abrupt when attempting to touch a woman for the first time. It is better to move my hands really slowly, perhaps just brushing up against her at first, then perhaps to put my hand on her leg. Or, to simply touch her as a friend at first, like a friendly and light hand on her arm.
I believe that love is like an intangible organ that consists of an invisible energy. Through practice, a person can recognize it and feel it, just as surely as one can feel the warmth of the sun. A practiced hand rested on a woman’s body can feel her inner tension, sadness, beauty and other qualities and emotions. We can also impart feelings through touch. If you cultivate the awareness in your own hands and body, heart and mind, you will begin to notice that when you touch or hold a woman, or are even sitting across from her, you can feel her aura. You can develop the ability to ‘touch the intangible.’